Rule 26

Is too damn long.

How to Take a Law School Exam

Preparing for and taking a law school exam can be daunting. You will be tested on an entire semester’s worth of material, the exam will be the entirety of your grade, and the competition for the top scores is fierce. There are only three words that can help you soar to the top of your class in law school: preparation, preparation, preparation.

Preparing for the Exam

To prepare for your exams you must get organized. To do this, you will want to buy a large binder for each class. Choose a color you like, or don’t like. For example, if you enjoy Civil Procedure but not Property, you might want to buy a sky-blue binder for the former and a black binder, or maybe even a Korn binder, for the latter. This will make it easy to figure out which binder is which when they are spread out on you floor under a pile of gym clothes and snack-cake wrappers.

After you have bought your binders, you’ll want to find something to put inside them. You don’t want to take an empty binder to the exam! A good thing to put into a binder is a “law school outline,” or set of notes about 300 pages long that can be used for quick reference while you take your test. The best way to get law school outline is to have them emailed to you. If you’ve made any friends in law school, you will probably have already found a few of these in your inbox: they are those attachments to the emails that read, “this one is INTENSE,” and “check this one out—tables–awesome!”

However, you won’t want to go into the exam with just 3 or 4 outlines, so it is important to collect as many people’s work products as possible. Look over the shoulders of your classmates in class, in the cafeteria, and in the bathroom, and make sure that they are not studying from an outline that you don’t have. If you don’t have the particular outline that they have, you must get it from them. You may either tear it from their hands, or ask them to email it to you—whichever fits best with your learning style.

After you have collected about 5,000 pages of other people’s outlines, print them out and use a 3-hole puncher to punch three holes in them; do not use a 1-hole puncher! A big part of law school is learning how to manage time, so you must work efficiently and punch as many holes at one time as you can. You may get sleepy—but this is exam time: brew a pot of coffee and punch those holes!

The Day Before the Exam

The day before the exam it is important that you keep your calm and try to relax—many an exam have been failed simply by being too stressed. Do something calming: submit your loan application to cover the three weeks between now and January so that your bank doesn’t close your account and the electric company doesn’t turn off your lights; pick a fight with your boyfriend; binge drink. Really, this time is for you so do what you enjoy, and what will remind you that there is a whole world outside of law school—there is also your crumbling personal life.

The Day of the Exam

Today’s the day! I hope you woke up in the right apartment this morning because today is the day of your first law-school exam.

This morning, you’ll want to get off to a healthy start, so collect those dimes and head down to the vending machine to see if they have S’mores-flavored Poptarts. Nothing says “brain food” like an eighty-cent, chocolate-covered toaster pastry! Return to your apartment and while your Poptart is heating up, why don’t you crack open that binder and take a look at your outlines—it is always good to have some familiarity with them before your start your test. But whoa–not too much! You don’t want to waste too much concentration focusing on that now! However, it might be a good idea to grab some post-its so you can flag where one outline begins and another ends. Remember: organization is key.

After you’ve eaten your breakfast and finished flagging your outlines, it is time to head out to the test. Make sure to stop by your nearest deli and grab a few Diet Coke Plus’s to fuel you during the exam. Those delicious soft drinks are filled with “B vitamins,” and as we all know, those are important!

Taking the Exam

During the exam, try not to be too stressed. Remember, you have prepared and you have other people’s outlines. From here on out it is just applying what they know. If it will help, bring some candles and perhaps some scented oils, and make sure you bring a blanket in case you get chilly. You might be afraid that the exam is so long—they can ask for so much in 3.5 hours—but here’s a secret: nobody can really concentrate for 3.5 hours; they schedule the extra time in case you get sleepy. So go ahead, put on your slippers and fasten your eye mask: it’s time to power-nap!

After waking up, you will find that you feel refreshed and alive, and exam will be almost over. Time flies when you are sleeping! Since the exam is nearing its end, it is a good idea to look back over what you have done: think about the moments that you decided that you would go to law school, the first loans that you applied for, and your first law school cry. What you have done! After looking back on these things, go ahead and turn in your test.

Take a deep breath.

Congratulations, you did it.

I found this powerfully moving

…which is powerfully disturbing.

Conversion? There is a tort called conversion?

Wow, mewing.net, wow.

take the WHAT INTENTIONAL TORT ARE YOU test.


and go to mewing.net. because law school made laura do this.

A New Nation

My first thought when I woke up this morning was, “please, just please let it be before eleven.” I craned my neck to look past the canisters of Clorox wipes and saw the clock: 12:45. “Crap.”

To repair the broken sense that I would move my day forward swiftly and efficaciously–a pack of indeterminacy and process theory on my back, an intentional infliction of emotional distress in my heart, and a contract in my mind–I began to eat things that tasted of chocolate, peanut butter, mint, and occasionally butter pecan, and I started reading old law student blogs.

What was I reading for, you wonder? Was I hoping that I would come across entries from December 8th that read, “awesome walk of shame this morning/afternoon. Stopped by Chipotle and met another hottie. We’re going out tonight, after I watch the game and take a nap.” And then later, read a February 4th entry from the same blogs stating, “all A’s. Man, these T-14 schools give everyone A’s.” Yes. Yes that was what I was reading for. But that’s not what I read.

If I may quote from a well-known blog, Buffalo Wings & Vodka:

November 22, 2004.

I think my hand is going to fall off, which would really suck for me, but I’m still not done flashcarding.

Ew. You might think I do not like this passage because of Buffalo’s obvious and assaulting under-use of hyphenation, but that’s not quite it. I mean, we all know that Buffalo Wings is not a very good writer and we must give these witless dolts the benefit of all doubts. It is his obvious use of overstudying that gets my gander. I sit here on December 1, the only flashcard in my midst a battered old card with “half and half, gum, tuna, saltines, and m&m’s” listed on it. Flashcards. Flash this, Buffalo.

January 26, 2005

I just turned in my petition, so I’m pretty sure that it was one of the first 25. (Regarding his petition to try out for the moot court competition.)

Well, Buffalo. I suppose now that you have turned in that petition all you have to do is apply for 1L summer jobs and study for your exams that will take place in 3 MONTHS. …But wait!

So, we’ll see what happens. I did get an interview for an ACLU position this summer…

You what? You got an interview at the ACLU already? Buffalo, I will no longer use you as a source of comfort.

~~~~

So, alas, it must be I, I see.

It must be I who will stand up and say:

Hello, world! …future law students! …current law students! …other people! My name is Amateur Content, it is December First, and I have not started outlining. I have not made flashcards. And I have not organized my notes. I have not read 30% of the required reading for the semester, and I just realized now that I failed to take notes for an entire course!

Law school slackers, non-conformers, and others with low self-esteem who use not-working as some sort of maladaptive defense mechanism: For you I will fight. For you I will advocate. For you I will win!

Wherever there is someone watching Harry Potter the night before exams, stuffing her face with cake and weeping softly to herself, I will be there. Wherever there is someone standing in the library on December 12, confused as to where the “reading room” might be, I will be there. Wherever anyone has slept through the last 10 classes and can’t remember where she is assigned to sit, I will be there.

Law school, give me your tired, your meek, your huddled masses yearning for work-life balance. The wretched refuse of your teeming cafeteria. Send these, the outline-less, tempest-tossed, to me: I lift my lamp beside the golden study-group.