AC Pulls Groin; Abdominal Dreams Lost

Bumblefuck, Pennsylvania (AP)–AmateurContent’s quest for the perfect law school abs ended in disappointment yesterday, following an end-of-workday stretch that resulted in a pulled groin.

“I was doing a quick stretch in the break room at work– I’d been working on a PowerPoint for a long time–when it happened: searing pain.” AC told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer on The Situation Room last night.

The accident has left her unable to do many activities necessary for increasing abdominal mass and reducing body fat.

“I’m devastated. I know how important sculpted abs can be for success in the legal profession.” AC explained while talking to ESPN’s Bill Simmons. “Why would someone trust me to define the terms of a contract if I can’t even define my own abs?”

In what was a difficult and sore first half of the summer, AC had gained 2 pounds of rippling muscle and had started an aggressive cross-training regimen, which she believes was responsible for the accident.

“It was the jogging, I think. I had never jogged before, so was unfamiliar with how tight it would make my adductors and iliopsoas– so tight they could tear from just a simple break room roundhouse kick with deep side lunge. I think I probably tore my adductor brevis, maybe my quadratis femoris. I don’t know– maybe even my obturator externus.”

When asked what she will do to prepare for law school now, AC winced “I’ll eat M&M’s, maybe 3 or 4 pounds of them. It just seems like the only thing I can do.”

AmateurContent will be starting law school in DC this fall.

Candy and money: sweet

Today I had a strange and overwhelming amount of free time at work. So much, in fact, that I had the suspicion that it was because I was not doing what I was meant to be doing that I had nothing to do. But no matter. With my free time, I researched various passive income opportunities that might help me pay for law school.

The opportunity that seemed most appealing, and that I consequently researched for several hours, was the wholesale candy business. Apparently, with just one well-placed gumball machine, you can make up to 25 dollars a month. Twenty-five dollars! And it only requires like 20 minutes of monthly maintenence (plus travel and supplies and findling locations and stuff)–I don’t even have to tell you what kind of hourly wage that amounts to! And $25…that’s like, what, $300 dollars a year? With that kind of money, I should go after a PhD in art history.

On reading lists…

Like any good attempting-to-be overachiever, I have put together a large law-related reading list for the summer. But so far, lots of important things have come up that are demanding my time—work, moving, playing with Photoshop, praying to Bill Philips for the perfect law-school abs—so I have barely read anything at all.

But, admittedly, I do have some time. Like the last few hours, for example. For the last few hours I was neither playing with my banner nor lifting monster amounts of weight, so I had time to read, and I did. I read for two hours. It didn’t make the tiniest dent in my reading list, though, because I was not reading from my reading list. I was reading instead from the internet…all about crows.

Why was I reading about crows, you may wonder? Well, reader, because I am spontaneous—an adventurer—a free spirit—a risk-taker, and accordingly my wild heart cannot be held back by a book that doesn’t allow me—not even once—to choose my own adventure. So I opened my computer instead and read about whatever scintillating thing came to mind, in this case crows.

But I still must get through law school for the next few years, and that will require that I read books. So I have a thought: Why doesn’t someone (ahem, Google) make a search engine/ Web site matrix that would present any given book broken up into small, scanable paragraphs, with lots of catchy hyperlinks to the other paragraphs, so that a dare-devil like myself can feel like she is just stumbling onto content that she had secretly intended to read all along?

This is what I’m thinking:

I would open Google, and type whatever interests me about the title of the book I need to read in the search bar. Google, in its infinite wisdom, would have developed an algorithm which could decipher—based on my word choice, the time of day that I am surfing, and the number of misspellings that I have—exactly which book I was thinking of.

Then, it would return search results that it knows I would find interesting (based on the data above and maybe some other things like my search history or something), so that I click on the results and read the pages. Those pages would secretly be the text of the book I need to read. Secretly.

Let me give you an example:

Right now I am intending to read Gideon’s Trumpet, a book about the Supreme Court case (Gideon vs. Wainwright) that produced the ruling that all criminal defendants are entitled to counsel even if they cannot afford it.

So, I would type into Google:

“Gideon Angel Christmas movie Mary Steenburgen”

Google would know which book I was referring to and which kind of headlines I would be attracted to, so would shoot back at me:

Danson’ with Ted: a Mary Steenburgen appreciation page
Can Angels have sex with people?
Bill Philips gained 40 pounds of pure, rippling, muscle last night. How he did it.
Potato Salad

I would then click on each of these things, in the order that Google had predicted I would, and each site would, in turn, provide me with the text of the book, next to colorful ads for Applebee’s and Blockbuster.

That’s just a rough idea—I haven’t worked out the details. Google, feel free to email me with any questions.